The Moment I Knew

It was the last day of seventh grade.  The worst year of my entire life was hours away from finally being over.  I was tormented, bullied, and harassed the whole year, and I couldn’t wait to bid it adieu.  I was a tiny twelve-year-old.  Throughout the year I had become an insecure, worrisome, quiet little girl; desperate to belong. I looked forward to summer vacation with hopeful anticipation.  It was a time to gather my broken-little-self up and prepare to storm Crescent View Middle School, as an eighth grader, with confidence, style, and a much higher social ranking.

This last day of seventh grade was the beginning of my makeover.  My friends had asked if I wanted to skip school, and do the only thing suburban twelve-year-olds did in the late 80’s; walk around the mall.  I had never skipped school before, but I wanted to prove that I was super cool, so I agreed. 

We had fun, and I had the attention of a boy I had a big crush on.  That day Ryan Blair was the love of my life; my soul mate.  We were just so darn cute, we spent the day spitting water on each other and pretending to push each other into oncoming traffic.  You know, all the normal stuff a couple does to show one another affection.

Sheralyn Pratt was hosting an end-of-the-year party that night, and I couldn’t wait.  It was going to be the best night of my life!  I was sure Ryan was going to hold my hand and we were going to end up living happily ever after.

I got to the party and to my utter disappointment Ryan was holding hands with Natalie Jenkins!  What!?!?  I thought we had such a strong connection.  What about all the spitting and pushing, did that mean nothing to him?  I tried to put on a brave face and enjoy myself, but finally I couldn’t take the heartbreak anymore.  I started walking home.  I wasn’t ready to face my family, so I kept walking. 

I ended up sitting in a field at Crescent View Middle School.  I was sad.  Why didn’t boys like me?  Were my bangs not high enough?  Was it my glasses?  No, it couldn’t possibly be my glasses, Judith Light wore the same glasses on Who’s the Boss and she was the perfect woman for a twelve-year-old girl to pattern coolness after.  Right?

I lied down on the grass, stared at the stars, and wondered about my future.  I wondered about my future husband.  What was he doing at that very moment?  Was he sad too?  Was he looking at the stars and thinking about me? The song, Somewhere Out There played quietly in the background of my thoughts (oh, those cute little mice).  I was having a moment. While I was sad and overwhelmed, I felt the love of my Heavenly Father.  I knew everything was going to be okay.     

Cut-to 23 years later.  After my separation, my boys and I moved to a house one block away from Crescent View.  Their dad and I were in the midst of a last ditch effort to save our marriage.   All the papers were signed.  I was hours away from filing the final paperwork when he asked me to hold off and give us one last try.  All our cards were showing. We were facing an incredibly massive challenge in trying to repair the damage we had caused.  He was over at my house late one night, when we got into a heated discussion.  I told him to stay at the house with the boys, and I started walking. 

I ended up in the same field I had been 23 years earlier.  Suddenly I realized I was having a full circle moment.  I had again become that broken, insecure, worrisome, and desperate little girl.  As I lied in the field sobbing and contemplating my future, I asked myself questions like, “Is divorce really part of ‘the plan’?  Can I really do this on my own?  What about our eternal marriage?  How does divorce effect my salvation?” 

I had asked these questions several times during our ten-month-long separation, but finally the fog was starting to lift.  I had a clear picture of the Savior cradling my face in his hands and saying, “Shannon, I got this.”  I knew His promised blessings would mine, because I had honored my end of the agreement.  I saw a glimpse into eternity, and I didn’t see my husband standing next to me.  I knew it was time to move forward.  I knew I had given all I had to give.  I knew that Heavenly Father was pleased with my efforts.  I knew it was time to, once again, storm life with confidence, grace, dignity and courage.  In that moment, I knew.