Dear Shannon,
In large measure we see what we expect to see. Kenneth Higbee wrote, "When a starter in a race says 'get set,' the runners are in a state of readiness for the 'go'. They expect to start running. Similarly, we sometimes have a 'set' or expectancy about what a person is going to be like. Our 'set' influences how we see them."
I have a "set" in every situation and relationship I'm involved in. I expect my close friends and family to be happy to see me. I expect them to be loving and supportive, so I am "set" to be uplifted by our association. Conversely, there are a small handful of others that I expect only want to hurt me, and therefore I am constantly "set" to defend myself and fight.
Unfortunately I have found I see what I expect to see with my children as well. I'm not going to use this blog as a forum to air my dirty mommy laundry, you'll have to wait for my kids' tell all books to come out for the dirt, but I fear that sometimes I expect to see them unfavorably. So guess what I see?
This year I have been forced to examine perceptions versus reality several times, and what I have learned is this, people can only live up to your perceptions of them, because you don't give them any other choice. Your rebellious son will live up to what you expect to see him to be, a rebel. However, what if you expect to see a tenacious, articulate, leader? All of the sudden you're in a position to motivate and inspire a leader rather than coral a rebel.
I want to be sure that I'm communicating the right message here. There is a difference in expecting to see (or being "set") and having expectations. Sometimes the expectations we put on people are unfair and impossible for them to reach. It would be unfair to expect your son to come home from school everyday happy and cooperative. But it wouldn't be unfair to expect to see him as a happy and cooperative individual. The difference is one is based on action or results, and the other is based on worth and value. An individual's worth is not measured by markers YOU create. Let those around you aspire to their greatness by expecting to see them for who they truly are; not what you expect them to be.
Love,
Your chastising best friend. Yourself
