So here’s the
thing about forgiveness, it’s not a thing. It’s not something you can
give, grant, or bestow to anyone. Forgiveness is a state of mind or
energy. For the past few years I tried to forgive, but it wasn’t as easy
as I thought it would be. I wasn’t sure who or what I was supposed to hand
over the betrayal, pain, despair, impossibility, and loneliness to. Some
people said God. Well I tried. I knelt down next to my bed and said,
“Here you go God, I don’t want this anymore. It’s really heavy; you can
have it.” After such prayers I usually felt a little lighter, a little
freer, but those deleterious feelings subsisted even when I tried to overshadow
them with a winning positive attitude.
Why?
Well for one, no matter how winning my winning positive
attitude was, it couldn’t forgive. That’s kind of a lot to ask my
attitude to do. My attitude sometimes gives me attitude about staying positive
so asking it to forgive, was beyond its scope of ability…I thought.
Martin Luther King Jr said, “Forgiveness is not an
occasional act. It is a constant
attitude.” So my attitude had to be more
than winning? It had to be forgiving too? Hmmmm.
Ok. I could go with that. But then I had to figure out why my attitude
couldn’t be forgiving in the first place.
I hate to
admit this, but I had grown accustom to my anger. Unfortunately it became
a part of my identity and giving it away felt like giving away part of my story;
of who I was.
Dr. Wayne Muller wrote in his book, Legacy of the Heart: The
Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood, “To let go of the ones who hurt us
is to let go of our identity as the one who was hurt, the one violated, the one
who was broken. It often feels like the bad guys are getting off
scot-free while we are left holding the bag of pain. But forgiveness is not for
them…forgiveness…allows us to be set free from the endless cycle of pain, anger
and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our suffering.”
Preach
Brother Muller!
The thing is,
I never wanted to be that person. I didn’t
want to be imprisoned in my suffering!
Who would want that? I decided
very early on that forgiveness-whatever that meant-was the only option. However I found myself haunted by anger and
sorrow on a regular basis. I had dropped some of my unquantifiable pain at the
feet of my Savior, my family, friends, romantic partners, and my therapist, but
occasionally a trigger would unleash my crazy and I ran around trying to gather
up all the pieces I had already given away. “I’m gonna need that back,
thank you very much. I thought I was done with it, but I’m not.
I’ll give it back to you later. Or I might hold onto it for a lifetime I
haven’t decided yet.”
I wish I
could say that kind of crazy is behind me, but it’s not. Although it’s not as frequent, it still rears
its ugly head on occasion. In fact recently I sat in my therapist’s office
wondering if some of my anger had been absorbed in the walls of his office or in
the zebra-striped rug on the floor. Was it in the pages of the neatly stacked books
in the bookcases? Perhaps my anger and
pain had swirled up to the ceiling via the spiral staircase. Is forgiveness what is left over after anger,
pain, and betrayal have been absorbed? I
don’t think so. Like I said before, I think forgiveness is a
state of mind, being, and energy.
Forgiveness, as defined by Dr. Sidney Simon, “means freeing
up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges,
harboring resentments, and nourishing unhealed wounds. It is discovering
the strengths we always had and reallocating out limitless capacity to
understand and accept other people and ourselves.“
Wowzas! I love
that! Forgiveness is simply reallocating
energy.
So here’s the
million dollar question, “Shannon, have you forgiven? Have you forgiven yourself, and the people
who have hurt you? Have you forgiven
God?”
I’ll answer
the question with questions. Is there a
finish line? Or is forgiveness an ever-elusive
proverbial “place”?
In an article
entitled, Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life, Elaine Walton wrote, “The
question is not if forgiveness should take place, but how? When the offense is associated with a simple
misunderstanding, forgiveness can be almost immediate. But with deep betrayal and serious injury,
the process is lengthy and painful, and there is no shortcut.”
Nothing
thrills me more than the disappointment I feel when I realize I’m not in a “place”
where I “should” be. Where is this place??? How do I get
there? I’ve googled it and there’s not a location. In fact, when
you type “where should Shannon be by now” in the search bar it comes up with
“We could not find where Shannon should be by now”.
Obviously this
“place” is as illusory as The Fountain of Youth so I have stopped searching for
it. I’m done comparing where I am at with where I should be. Instead
I am choosing to continue to reallocate my energy by accepting myself, my
circumstances, and others. Therefore I
believe I have an attitude of forgiveness.
I believe I have developed the capacity to forgive. But like Martin
Luther King Jr said, it’s not an occasional act. It’s not a one-time prayer giving it over the
Lord and expecting it all to be gone. It’s
a daily process of energy distribution.
