Dear Shannon,

Dear Shannon,

In large measure we see what we expect to see. Kenneth Higbee wrote, "When a starter in a race says 'get set,' the runners are in a state of readiness for the 'go'. They expect to start running. Similarly, we sometimes have a 'set' or expectancy about what a person is going to be like. Our 'set' influences how we see them."

I have a "set" in every situation and relationship I'm involved in.  I expect my close friends and family to be happy to see me. I expect them to be loving and supportive, so I am "set" to be uplifted by our association. Conversely, there are a small handful of others that I expect only want to hurt me, and therefore I am constantly "set" to defend myself and fight. 

Unfortunately I have found I see what I expect to see with my children as well.  I'm not going to use this blog as a forum to air my dirty mommy laundry, you'll have to wait for my kids' tell all books to come out for the dirt, but I fear that sometimes I expect to see them unfavorably. So guess what I see?

This year I have been forced to examine perceptions versus reality several times, and what I have learned is this, people can only live up to your perceptions of them, because you don't give them any other choice. Your rebellious son will live up to what you expect to see him to be, a rebel. However, what if you expect to see a tenacious, articulate, leader? All of the sudden you're in a position to motivate and inspire a leader rather than coral a rebel.

I want to be sure that I'm communicating the right message here.  There is a difference in expecting to see (or being "set") and having expectations. Sometimes the expectations we put on people are unfair and impossible for them to reach.  It would be unfair to expect your son to come home from school everyday happy and cooperative.  But it wouldn't be unfair to expect to see him as a happy and cooperative individual.  The difference is one is based on action or results, and the other is based on worth and value.  An individual's worth is not measured by markers YOU create.  Let those around you aspire to their greatness by expecting to see them for who they truly are; not what you expect them to be.

Love,
Your chastising best friend. Yourself

Forgive the Gift that Keeps on Giving

So here’s the thing about forgiveness, it’s not a thing.  It’s not something you can give, grant, or bestow to anyone.  Forgiveness is a state of mind or energy.  For the past few years I tried to forgive, but it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.  I wasn’t sure who or what I was supposed to hand over the betrayal, pain, despair, impossibility, and loneliness to.  Some people said God.  Well I tried.  I knelt down next to my bed and said, “Here you go God, I don’t want this anymore.  It’s really heavy; you can have it.”  After such prayers I usually felt a little lighter, a little freer, but those deleterious feelings subsisted even when I tried to overshadow them with a winning positive attitude. 

Why?

Well for one, no matter how winning my winning positive attitude was, it couldn’t forgive.  That’s kind of a lot to ask my attitude to do. My attitude sometimes gives me attitude about staying positive so asking it to forgive, was beyond its scope of ability…I thought.   

Martin Luther King Jr said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act.  It is a constant attitude.”  So my attitude had to be more than winning?  It had to be forgiving too?  Hmmmm.  Ok.  I could go with that.  But then I had to figure out why my attitude couldn’t be forgiving in the first place.

I hate to admit this, but I had grown accustom to my anger.  Unfortunately it became a part of my identity and giving it away felt like giving away part of my story; of who I was. 

Dr. Wayne Muller wrote in his book, Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood, “To let go of the ones who hurt us is to let go of our identity as the one who was hurt, the one violated, the one who was broken.  It often feels like the bad guys are getting off scot-free while we are left holding the bag of pain. But forgiveness is not for them…forgiveness…allows us to be set free from the endless cycle of pain, anger and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our suffering.”

Preach Brother Muller! 

The thing is, I never wanted to be that person.  I didn’t want to be imprisoned in my suffering!  Who would want that?  I decided very early on that forgiveness-whatever that meant-was the only option.   However I found myself haunted by anger and sorrow on a regular basis. I had dropped some of my unquantifiable pain at the feet of my Savior, my family, friends, romantic partners, and my therapist, but occasionally a trigger would unleash my crazy and I ran around trying to gather up all the pieces I had already given away.  “I’m gonna need that back, thank you very much.  I thought I was done with it, but I’m not.  I’ll give it back to you later.  Or I might hold onto it for a lifetime I haven’t decided yet.”

I wish I could say that kind of crazy is behind me, but it’s not.  Although it’s not as frequent, it still rears its ugly head on occasion. In fact recently I sat in my therapist’s office wondering if some of my anger had been absorbed in the walls of his office or in the zebra-striped rug on the floor. Was it in the pages of the neatly stacked books in the bookcases?  Perhaps my anger and pain had swirled up to the ceiling via the spiral staircase.  Is forgiveness what is left over after anger, pain, and betrayal have been absorbed?  I don’t think so.   Like I said before, I think forgiveness is a state of mind, being, and energy.

Forgiveness, as defined by Dr. Sidney Simon, “means freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nourishing unhealed wounds.  It is discovering the strengths we always had and reallocating out limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.“

Wowzas!  I love that!  Forgiveness is simply reallocating energy. 

So here’s the million dollar question, “Shannon, have you forgiven?  Have you forgiven yourself, and the people who have hurt you?  Have you forgiven God?” 

I’ll answer the question with questions.  Is there a finish line?  Or is forgiveness an ever-elusive proverbial “place”?

In an article entitled, Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life, Elaine Walton wrote, “The question is not if forgiveness should take place, but how?  When the offense is associated with a simple misunderstanding, forgiveness can be almost immediate.  But with deep betrayal and serious injury, the process is lengthy and painful, and there is no shortcut.”

Nothing thrills me more than the disappointment I feel when I realize I’m not in a “place” where I “should” be.  Where is this place???  How do I get there?  I’ve googled it and there’s not a location.  In fact, when you type “where should Shannon be by now” in the search bar it comes up with “We could not find where Shannon should be by now”. 

Obviously this “place” is as illusory as The Fountain of Youth so I have stopped searching for it.  I’m done comparing where I am at with where I should be.  Instead I am choosing to continue to reallocate my energy by accepting myself, my circumstances, and others.  Therefore I believe I have an attitude of forgiveness.  I believe I have developed the capacity to forgive. But like Martin Luther King Jr said, it’s not an occasional act.  It’s not a one-time prayer giving it over the Lord and expecting it all to be gone.  It’s a daily process of energy distribution. 

 

 

When the Answer is No

Recently my eight-year-old little man said, “Mom, I want to ask you something, but I’m really nervous.”  I asked him why he was nervous and he answered, “Because I know you’re just going to say no.”  He wanted to do something that I knew wasn’t in his best interest, so it was as he predicted; I told him no. 

I’ve thought a lot about this exchange and how it relates to prayer.  Lately, I have felt similar feelings as my son when it comes to asking for certain blessings from our Father in Heaven.  I’ll admit there are a couple of specific blessings (and what I deem righteous desires) that I would like to see come to pass, NOW!  It’s hard for me to understand why the answer is no.  However, just like in the exchange with my inexperienced eight-year-old, I know my loving Father is protecting me, teaching me, and blessing me by not granting me my every desire.

2012 and 2013 were years I spent living in my personal Gethsemane.  During that time the Lord taught me how to pray.  He furthered my knowledge about the Atonement and the Plan of Salvation.  I learned about forgiveness, repentance, charity and submission to His will.  He is the ultimate author and I learned to trust the One who already knows the end of the story.  So here I sit two years later having to remind myself of the lessons I have already learned.  I often think the Lord looks at this inexperienced child of his and says, “Sweetie, we’ve gone over this several times, but let me teach you again in a slightly different way.”   

In October 2013 I was among 20,000 women seated in the Conference Center when Linda S. Reeves addressed the women of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the general Relief Society meeting.  The ink was barely dry on my divorce papers and I attended the meeting with a broken and tender heart.  I was touched by her expressions of love and admiration for women who “experience great adversity in [their] lives because of the covenant-breaking of loved ones”.

Even though I was sitting in a congregation of 20,000, and despite the fact the conference was streaming in homes, computers, and meeting houses throughout the world I thought she was specifically talking to me!



“Almost three years ago a devastating fire gutted the interior of the beloved, historic tabernacle in Provo, Utah. Its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and Church members. Many wondered, ‘Why did the Lord let this happen? Surely He could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction.’ 

“Ten months later,…there was an audible gasp when President Thomas S. Monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple—a house of the Lord! Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple—a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants.

…the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally.”

When I heard this talk the emotional and spiritual fire that raged for years in my own life had just been put out and I was standing among the smoldering ashes surveying the destruction. Since Reeves’ talk, I have had an unusual fascination with the Provo City Center Temple.  It’s nearing completion, and it will soon be a dedicated house of the Lord.  I, myself, am nowhere near completion, but as I step back I can see the reconstruction happening and how far I’ve come.  

Heavenly Father is aware of us.  He has promised He will never leave us comfortless.  Our faith is bolstered when the answer is “no”.  It’s in those moments, weeks, months, or even years, that we have to trust the Lord and His plan.  He is aware of our needs and desires and once we align our desires with His he can turn us into the men and women he wants us to become.   

 

*Photo credits  2. Jeffrey D. Allred, Deseret News 3. www.ldschurchtemples.com/provocitycenter/